Happy 4th of July to all you Americans and all you non-Americans currently being held hostage in your own countries by American military.  Isn’t Independence fun???

God I love America, it is truly a land of opportunity!  Just ask Samantha Ronson.  Sure she is useless and sure no one really knows what she does or what she is or why she is what she is, but America has not failed her! She is now on the tip of every gossiper’s tongue and literally on Lindsay Lohan’s.

Ah Lindsay Lohan!  She is the epitome of everything stereotypical of American living.  She and her family are the perfect white trash image of America.  But they give hope to others like them to not try to change who they truly are, but to embrace their sub culture and to stick up to the world and say “Hey, if I want my cousin to be a baby daddy for my love child, and if that love child is now my husband then so be it”.  Just look at the Spears sister.  They in return give hope to the trailer trash communities of America.  They give hope to those beer bellied teenagers to step into corporate America and mass produce their All American-apple-pie-girl-next-door-image, into the cookie cutter-bleach blonde-fake boobed starlets, fulfilling all those superficial American dreams. 

Look at Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt!  The perfect example of The American Dream! They give new meaning to the over privileged white American youth!  Money, youth, mass produced lifestyle, passive global attitude! They are the ideal representatives of the new and uprising MTV generation.

So grab a glass and toast America today.  Toast their youth, their Hollywood starlets, their family structures.   Only in America can you walk free from a DUI, only in America can you pay an 18 year old $300,000 to not admit to having sex with you, only in America can R. Kelly pee on you and have you like it, and only in America can Madonna be an "artist"...I mean Europe has Gauguin and Da Vinci but Madonna has cone boobs!

And in America boobs win.

Happy Birthday America.  And God Bless.

Hello all,

As you may have noticed I didn't post a video this week!  The joys and woes of new age technology!  I was having camera issues and I have been doing a lot of physical training at home to finally recover from my very itchy stitches!   But expect a video to be posted this afternoon!

Love you babies

Cosmo has always been my friend but they fail me every time with their over airbrushed covers.  I’m not a fan of ScarJo but we all know she is not a size….what the hell is that anyway??  It looks like she's trying really hard not to fart.

My waist is smaller than that but god knows my chest isn’t the size of Mexico!   Can we please just let this girl show off her wiggles and muffin tops??  Maybe then I’ll like her.

Wait, no, she’ll still exist.  Sorry guys I really just don’t see her appeal as an actress or a singer.  However a stripper, that I can sort of believe.  Sort of.

I am so sick of the Lohan family that what I am about to say may shock the delicate sensibilities of Charles Manson.  I want to throw them into the recording studio of Heidi Montag and throw away the key.

Last week the mother of soon to be Hollywood Pop Tart screw up, 13 year old Ashley Kaufmann  revealed to the world what we already knew, that Michael Lohan was a bad parent who should probably die a horrible and slow death.  Okay maybe that last part was hinted at.  Anyway, I didn’t want to talk about it because I really would like to think that none of these people actually exist, but they have left me no choice.  It’s Hump Day and it’s all about relationships, and who else is better to talk about?   Don’t answer that.  Please, it hurts the brain cells.

Ashley is the bastard love child of Michael Lohan, and before you ask yourself  “why would anyone want to admit to having sex with Michael Lohan?”, there is actually a somewhat legitimate reason: the “mistress” of Michael Lohan wants her kid to be a famous pop star.  A source claims that “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali." …um…did we really need a source for clarification?

Michael Lohan is of course responding the only way he could, he took a DNA test and is going to sell the results to the highest bidding magazine and of course “DONATE” the money to charity.  And again before you start wondering “why is this a big deal? Don’t most Americans have bastard ugly children anyway?” , oh well because it does matter!  This all just means that Michael Lohan cheated on his wife and now Lindsay is not returning his phone calls, which means daddy can’t sink his wolf teeth into this little piggy bank any longer.

This can take a long time to mentally process causing severe brain damage which frankly I don’t want to be held accountable for.  And I am sorry for wasting your Wednesday.  Let’s just pretend today’s gossip headlines read “Lohan family stuck in an elevator leading them to devour the sour flesh of each other to stay alive for 24 hours before the elevator evaporates into a Space-Space continuum lacking the time element which is not physically possible causing no real purpose for their horrid and miserable existence.”

Okay that or, “Lohan family car falls off cliff; car explodes"

Happy Canada Day Everyone! 

Enjoy the sun...er...well Canadian sun anyway.....yay for thinking it's so hot when it's 21 degrees out! 

God I am so for global warming right now.  And now that my political incorrectness is out of the way, let's enjoy a classic:

It is no surprise that I despise the grounds Cristiano Ronaldo walks on.  It’s very simple: he is a bitch.  Okay maybe it’s not that simple.

He is the most arrogant soccer player alive, and yes he unfortunately can back it up because he can play and extremely well, but that is no excuse to 1. Dive in front of penalty areas 2. Cry every time a referee points out your obvious fouls and 3. Fake injuries on national television, and fake them so bad that even the Portuguese fans boo you.

And now he is wearing a pair of diapers.  That or that is the ugliest man bathing suit I have ever seen in my life.  The dude in the bikini behind him is his current girlfriend. 

I’m going to get a lot of hate mail. 

"I don't really get why she'd use my name to get press for her little indie film that no one's going to see. She should probably focus more on not getting dressed in the dark than on me. I know I've made it in Hollywood when a famous troll is talking about me on Letterman. I forgive her, though. She's had to go through life as the less cute twin, which must be tough." Spencer Pratt responds to Mary Kate Olsen telling Letterman that she simply went to high school with Pratt and that he had a “bad temper”.

SNAP!  And also he better watch out, I’m not sure which one was involved with Heath Ledger but this could lead to a similar ending. 

**pause**

Why am I telling him to watch out again? 

I have been trying to incorporate a segment called Fabulous Fake Friday Fling whenever I can for this site.  So far I found that people responded really well to video parodies which is why I will be doing my best to parody Wanted after I watch it today. 

However, I’m going to twist this segment around just for today because I am seriously experiencing a brain haemorrhage.  I like to call this segment the “I HOPE to God THIS is FAKE Fling”.

These pictures surfaced of my-husband-to-be-even-if-he-don’t-know-it-yet Matt Damon looking like a pedo recruiting some young love in an All American beach resort. 

Since my dignity and reputation are still stuck in 1983, I will have no shame in saying I could still go for that.  However I am concerned.  Just how far will one go for their career?  It’s easy to answer how low one could go for their career (look up Denise Richards) but this has left me baffled. 

And kind of turned on.

I blame Tom Selleck for the moustache.   And the turn on.

Wanted opens up today and since I’m in……between jobs at the moment, I am going to watch the matinee today.  James McAvoy is every box office’s dreamboat.  Angelina….not so much.  And now add a little bit of Morgan Freeman and two hours of guns and abs and you have the perfect recipe for a humiliating disaster.  Or as I like to call these little rare opportunities:  Youtube material! 

Expect a video parody soon!  I’ll do my best to capture the truly amazing acting abilities of Angelina.  I especially love her one-expression-for-all-moods “method acting”. 

The sad thing about my life, and this is one of the least obvious sad things about my useless life, is that I would kill a baby kitten wrapped in rainbows and warm hugs just to be a fake eyelash on Angie’s eye. 

Don’t judge me, my parents already do. Well my mom mostly, my dad gave up on my existence the day I came home from school with mittens attached to my winter coat, and a helmet on my head  in case I drowned in my lunch soup.

God I miss College.

I have been consumed this week with my ongoing religion: Soccer.  Euro cup had my focus this whole week, so I haven’t been up to date on our daily blogging!! Don’t worry nothing in the celebrity world has changed: Amy Winehouse is still on drugs, and Justin Timberlake is still pretending that his vag is some sort of extra skin.  There’s an image you can’t shake.  Trust me, I tried.

I am a Germany fan and my boys are making me very proud!  We have made it to the finals!!  Even though I am  a fan, I am one of little faith.  They are going to face off with Spain, and I think at this point it is safe to say that I’m just happy we made it this far.  Spain is going to kick some major ass…unless my German babies can up their game by a teeny bit more. 

I am so not focusing on celebrities right now, my eyes, my soul, my whole being is focused on Euro Cup!  Win or lose, I will take it to the streets this Sunday.

And now here’s some Ger-man enjoyment!  Michael Ballack is my second husband-to-be-even-he-don’t-know-it-yet.  For many of you followers of  Celebrity Fling, you know my abnormal love with Matt Damon, I now welcome Michael Ballack to my little Wonderland of stalker love.  And by the way, does he NOT resemble Matt Damon?  I’ve been on this for 6 years now.

I need to stop…it’s not cute and sad anymore…it’s just so..so sad.  Like Joey Fatone sad.