Ashlee Simpson

  I will make a fashion exception for this one because it’s just too much for me to handle.  I was just about to write newlyweds and I barfed a little in my mouth.  These two are a match made in emo hell.  Pete Wentz pulled an I’m-as-funny-as-John-Mayer douche act yesterday when he showed off his new plastic plate face to the paparazzi.  The plate read “Your Ad Could Be Here… Email Jon@Douchebag.com.   He seriously makes me want to gouge his eyes out with a dull fork while kicking John Mayer in the nuts, all to the live musical recordings of Ashlee. On a brighter note, this is a huge fashion improvement for Weiner Wentz.  It’s a great distraction from his face.

  I am incredibly sick.   I have a high fever and my body is aching all around.   I called the cancer clinic this morning to see what I can actually take and they said, “Tylenol“! SERIOSULY??? Years of cancer research and this is what it comes down to, Tylenol?    On top of all things, god decided that I shall have my “female monthly friend” today.  Thank you God for giving me yet another valid reason to kill myself. But that will not stop me from bringing you this week’s addition of Flinging Hump Day.  First on the chopping board, Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz. Not only is their emo relationship bewildering to our simple yet obsessive  minds, it is boring!  No scandal, no public humiliations, and no bastard children.  They’re the teen couple who make out by their lockers during recess, the couple who share a salad while dining, the couple who hold hands in the theatre. The couple you secretly envy but also hope  they were domestically abusive to one another, or are cheating on one another, just like normal couples do.   Enter, Joe Simpson.  Pervy dad extraordinaire!  This bitch can whore his fame better than Ashley Dupre ever could.  OK Magazine is reporting that Papa Joe wants to sign up Ashlee and Pete for a “Newlyweds” reality show with MTV. A source says “He knows that no one cared about Jessica before her reality show, and he’s hoping a show for Ashlee will have the same effect.” Hmm, I was under the impression that the Newlyweds with Nick and Jessica revealed the true side of Jessica, the egotistical, mentally retarded, insecure, high maintenance,  useless excuse of an existence, talent less,  arrogant, ignorant, selfish,  and fake side of her. And it also revealed a little too much of Papa Joe’s incestual  involvement within her life.   But maybe this time it will be different.  Instead of a beef cake, useless, bird brained husband hanging off Jessica’s fake boobs, we’ll have a douche faced, sexually confused, emo bitch hanging off Ashlee’s fake nose.  A hundred dollars says Jessica will “surprisingly” drop by each taping in a skimpy bikini covered by whip cream.  Nothing screams “career salvage” like shameful, unnecessary nudity.  Not in Lohan’s case.   But if I wanted to look at rolled up  "natural" fat and unphotoshopped freckles I could have just bought the Sears lingerie catalogue . Just saying!   Before all you “curvy” girls out there send me bitchy letters about self image and real beauty, let me reassure you that I only mock others because my life is so fucked up.   My way of coping with my excuse of a horrible existence is by 1. Projecting my verbal, uncensored diarrhea onto the world through this blogging outlet, and 2.  Putting everyone else down.  I balance my self loathing and denial with lots of morphine and highlighter fumes.       

I knew that once I let my guard down on Ashlee Simpson that it would become a regular “thing” on this blog. She is truly an enigma. She is obviously and sadly the prettier and *gulp* less..,sucky talent in the Simpson family. Then again, this is the first time I see her without douche bag extraordinaire Pete Weiner Wentz by her arm. So this could be like that magic eye picture book, where I think I see good in her lifeless body, but in fact it’s my body reacting to all that highlighter I sniffed an hour ago. What do you think of Ashlee’s new look on TRL?     Technorati Profile