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I am so sick of the Lohan family that what I am about to say may shock the delicate sensibilities of Charles Manson. I want to throw them into the recording studio of Heidi Montag and throw away the key.
Last week the mother of soon to be Hollywood Pop Tart screw up, 13 year old Ashley Kaufmann revealed to the world what we already knew, that Michael Lohan was a bad parent who should probably die a horrible and slow death. Okay maybe that last part was hinted at. Anyway, I didn’t want to talk about it because I really would like to think that none of these people actually exist, but they have left me no choice. It’s Hump Day and it’s all about relationships, and who else is better to talk about? Don’t answer that. Please, it hurts the brain cells.
Ashley is the bastard love child of Michael Lohan, and before you ask yourself “why would anyone want to admit to having sex with Michael Lohan?”, there is actually a somewhat legitimate reason: the “mistress” of Michael Lohan wants her kid to be a famous pop star. A source claims that “Ashley has more talent than Lindsay or Ali." …um…did we really need a source for clarification?
Michael Lohan is of course responding the only way he could, he took a DNA test and is going to sell the results to the highest bidding magazine and of course “DONATE” the money to charity. And again before you start wondering “why is this a big deal? Don’t most Americans have bastard ugly children anyway?” , oh well because it does matter! This all just means that Michael Lohan cheated on his wife and now Lindsay is not returning his phone calls, which means daddy can’t sink his wolf teeth into this little piggy bank any longer.
This can take a long time to mentally process causing severe brain damage which frankly I don’t want to be held accountable for. And I am sorry for wasting your Wednesday. Let’s just pretend today’s gossip headlines read “Lohan family stuck in an elevator leading them to devour the sour flesh of each other to stay alive for 24 hours before the elevator evaporates into a Space-Space continuum lacking the time element which is not physically possible causing no real purpose for their horrid and miserable existence.”
Okay that or, “Lohan family car falls off cliff; car explodes"
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